Underground ReLOVEution

For my conscience is held captive by the Word of God and to act against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, God help me. --Martin Luther

Yesterday I had to repent. I asked God to forgive me for four disobedient years spent at the University of Washington.

For six weeks after I graduated from high school I bummed around at the YWAM base in Culiacan, Mexico. I wasn't very productive there. In fact, I was often more of a hindrance than a help. But God had big plans for me this trip that had nothing to do with building houses or becoming fluent in Spanish. Instead, he ignited within me an excitement and passion for ministry and missions and living a life based on faith alone.

In Mexico I began dreaming grand dreams of raising financial support in order to work full-time with YOU, the youth group, and forsaking my spot at the University of Washington, where I had reluctantly registered for fall quarter. College seemed like death to me, and ministry like life.

My parents weren't stoked about my awesome ministry plan. When I returned from Mexico they repeated the same concerns that had caused me to apply and register at UW in the first place - they worried that if I didn't go to school right away, I never would, they were afraid I wouldn't be able to provide for myself in the "real world," and my mom in particular expressed her fears about me unexpectedly being left alone to fend for myself if my (future) husband were to somehow fall out of the picture.

Their arguments seemed just rational enough to convince me. At the time, however, I didn't realize that they were so deeply rooted in fear and a lack of faith in God.

I trusted their opinions a bit, but could not completely ignore God's calling elsewhere. As a result I ended up spending four years at the university. I made a few friends, learned some, grew some, worshiped some, traveled some...and was kicking and screaming the entire time because I knew deep in my heart that God had called me to something dramatically different.

I thought during this time that I had chosen the "safe" path. And God knows, as my parents completed a divorce during my college years that turned my world upside-down, my heart craved safety and security.

This is why Martin Luther's words (above) cut deep into my heart as I read them today..."to act against conscience is neither right nor safe." For me to have denied the Holy Spirit's urgent prompting for four years had perhaps placed me in a more secure financial life situation, but left me on rocky ground with my powerful, almighty God. It is not safe to deny him...

Not only that, but I'm sad to think about what I might have happened if I had chosen to trust God a little bit more than the opinions of people around me. And I'm not just talking about parents. Seniors in high school know that everyone likes to offer their opinion about your future. It's inevitable. But the fact that I exalted fear above faith meant that I missed out on seeing where God may have wished to lead me during that time of my life. I'm glad for the advice and wisdom of people who are older than me...as long as they don't contradict God's personal words to me.

I'm not going to wallow forever in the past and regret my decisions...however, the evaluation of my past leads me to consider my present and future life: "Am I trusting God now the way I wish I would have back then?"

God is the one we are ultimately accountable to. We gave our lives over to Him when we accepted Jesus.

Before I close, let me be clear about two things. First, I don't believe that the university itself was evil. Considering my parents' thoughts and wanting to honor them wasn't sinful. Desiring to be wise financially and vocationally isn't wicked. It was simply the un-faith-filled motivation that made this a poor choice for me. I made fear a god instead of fearing God. I trusted others for my future instead of relying on the One who actually ordained each of my days.

Second, I do not believe that God has written me off simply because I disobeyed him at a certain fork in the road. That would not be the God of the Bible. The book of Jonah gives me a lot of relief. God pursues, and pursues, and pursues....and pursues. He redeems all things and does not cast us off forever.

I know now that fear of man is never a good motivation for anything as we attempt to pursue a life of faith. What we fear we tend to obey. Be cautious and wise and humble as you talk to others about your future. And talk to God about it more than you discuss it with them.

The path you walk as you follow your conscience (the urgings of the Holy Spirit) make the least sense to those around you, may involve physical danger, may require you to sacrifice the very things that give you your sense of comfort and security and well-being, and yet will undoubtedly be the only safe road to tread. This is the path of fear and trembling before an almighty, loving God.